Notes from a Beginner Session in Zürich
In our preliminary talk, I learned that he had booked a few tantra massages and really loved it. He found my profile on a tantra massage website and told me that he was drawn to the part in my profile text where I describe how I wrap myself around the body like a snake. That image was what led him to book a session with me.
He was more interested in exploring BDSM than receiving a massage, but without prior experience he couldn’t yet articulate what he was seeking. Based on what drew him to contact me, I already had an idea of the kind of sensory journey that might suit him, but I needed a little more orientation. Before a tantra massage, I always ask the person to name three words or qualities they would like to experience. I asked him the same.
Held. Ecstatic. Sensual.
Those words gave me a clear sense of what he was looking for, even if he didn’t yet have the language for it.
I picked him up when he was done showering and put a blindfold on him right away. This is something I like to do with beginners. Having one’s sight taken away can help someone sense more deeply into themselves. Based on how someone responds to my touch, I am able to gauge whether they feel enough trust to surrender, whether they are able to give up control, and whether they follow my hands as I guide them.
I led him into the Dungeon at Van Cane Studios, tied his arms with rope and bent him forward over the spanking bench.
I decided to weave elements of tantra into the beginning of this session. One thing I absolutely love about the AnandaWave method is that a central feature of their massage is that the whole body is touched. I drew my fingertips down his torso and legs, then back up again. I used my floggers much like I would usually spread oil, drawing them in long strokes along the Yin/Yang lines before increasing the impact. I noticed his breath and physical responses, adjusting the strength of the strokes according to his reactions.
Still wearing the blindfold, I fixed him in the Boomer and followed with quite challenging nipple play, making sure that the entire body was integrated throughout. I guided him through an ecstatic prostate experience (his first), and ended with a lingam-focused massage.
This session did not look different from a typical BDSM experience: bondage, whipping, nipple clamps, BDSM furniture, etc., but what felt specifically tantric about it was the way that I incorporated certain elements into it: touching the whole body, working with the intention of the receiver expanding their physical awareness and integrating the breath.
Afterwards, he told me that it was a beautifully intense session and a wonderful first experience for a beginner. I reflected on how tantra often functions as a gateway into exploring BDSM. For some, its framing as a conscious bodywork practice provides the sense of security a beginner may need before approaching more BDSM practices. But the “conscious touch” I used in our encounter is something that many people who practice BDSM are already doing. Given the considerably more stigmatized view the general public holds of BDSM, it’s understandable that beginners may assume it will be too hard for them. But BDSM exists along a broad spectrum, and having been in countless situations with colleagues, I see how skilled they are at reading bodily reactions and adjusting the strokes, timing, and pressure accordingly.
Whether or not they name it explicitly, many BDSM providers possess a profound intuition and empathy through long-term, hands-on practice.
When the esoteric and spiritual elements often present in tantra circles are stripped away, I’m not sure that BDSM and tantra are actually so different. I often have the impression that, although the particular techniques vary, the way I hold space in a massage is similar to how I hold space in a BDSM session.
For some people drawn to BDSM, touch may be exactly what they need in order to go deeper. When I give someone a hard whipping, I want them to be present and this can only happen when they trust me, not only on a mental level, where desires, limits, and taboos have been discussed, but on a physical level as well. There is a kind of trust that is established when I touch someone. Sometimes between the strokes, I lay a hand on their burning skin and they feel that I am there. We breathe together for a moment. The same kind of non-verbal communication can happen in more psychological play, too.
I have been thinking recently that the intention behind Tantra and BDSM can be the same and that it is simply that the techniques are different.
I find that some people drawn to BDSM need a higher degree of intensity in order to fully arrive in themselves. The task of “receiving” in a tantra massage is not easy, it’s something that needs to be practiced and does not come without certain resistance. Likewise, to submit in a kink setting (physically or mentally) is not easy. But it is in this headspace that transformation happens.
So if you are curious about BDSM but hesitant to try, sometimes one experience is enough to change how you understand it.